I’m Tired of Rest

I knew 2020 was going to be hard. I anticipated the end of school. I anticipated transitioning away from my comfortable life at college with my best friends 5 seconds away at all times. I anticipated a period uncertainty.

But I never expected it was going to be this hard. No one could have. No one but God I guess.

As a college student I worked myself hard. I was one of the last people in library almost every night for years. I had a busy schedule and great social life therefore, I was always running around like a mad woman. As college students we always said we wanted rest (even though we secretly loved it). We claimed we were looking forward to the next break. We couldn’t wait for life to slow down a little after graduation.

Thanks to the corona virus we got our rest. We slowed down for the first time in almost half a decade. I’ve been home longer since the corona virus sent us into quarantine than I have collectively in the past four years. And I’m officially exhausted. I’ve been sitting in my comfortable home just chilling out for the past four months and I’m more spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted than I’ve ever been before.

But I have time now. I have time to do the things I’ve said I was going to do for years but never made the time to. I have time to sit and laugh and listen to my family. I have time to listen to sermons, open up my bible, and go on a prayer walk through the woods. I have time to watch every good film on Netflix and Hulu I can find. I have time to spend multiple hours a day mindlessly scrolling through social media. I have time to learn about important things happening in our world. And I have more time to sit and overthink every area of every moment of my existence and the decisions I have made more than I ever have before.

There have been good and bad parts of this quarantine season. In the good parts I think Jesus is doing a lot of really meaningful work and in some sense slowing us down so that we can better focus on him which is clearly necessary.  In the bad parts we have been overcome by depression, anxiety, grief, heartbreak, hurt, loneliness, bitterness, and anger. A worldwide pandemic is affecting every area of every single one of our lives. There are riots in every city of the country. And frankly everything around us is filled with noise, fighting, and chaos.

Spiritual warfare is everywhere we look. Satan is on the prowl. We need to check within ourselves to see if we are still fighting for the good fight that we have been called into battle for or if we are just fighting cause we’re tired of the crap.

I’m with you. I’m tired of being trapped in quarantine. I’m tired of people not viewing mental illness as valid. I’m tired of racism. I’m tired of people not seeing the value in the officers that put their lives on the line every day for our safety. I’m tired of important life events being canceled in the lives of people I love. I’m tired too.

Jesus also got tired but he never gave up on the good fight he was called to. The bible says in Matthew 14: 22-23, “After the miraculous feeding of the five thousand, “immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of Him to the other side, while He dismissed the crowd. After He had dismissed them, He went up on a mountainside by Himself to pray. When evening came, He was there alone”. We are not in control, elected officials are not in control, doctors are not even in control ultimately the only person that is in control of this chaotic reality we are in is God. In this season, we are all tired, but we need to keep fighting for the kingdom of God more than ever.

This has been a hard season and I have discovered I need Jesus more than anything this past year. Life was perfect until it wasn’t. 5 months ago my bubble was comfortable. My bubble was safe. Then my bubble was popped. Real life reality is much scarier than my reality for the past four years.

So, life may be hard. Life may be exhausting and tiring and you may be burnt out from all the “stuff” happening all around you. But if you are a follower of Jesus, this life is not your own and amidst the chaos, confusion, anxiety, and hurt you have to take up your cross everyday and keep fighting for the kingdom. If there is hope in Jesus there is hope in the state of this world.

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